RADIO
Well, that was sure an entertaining and controversy-free NFC championship game! I'm glad I got to watch it-- it was one of the best football games I've ever seen. I didn't get to watch the AFC championship, but I'm sure it was just as entertaining and controversy-free as well, right?
You're saying that it was a 45-7 blowout that was only interesting if you're a Patriots fan and kind of depressing if you were a Colts fan, like every single other Pats-Colts game of the Luck era? And you're saying there was a pointless scandal at the end of it that's led professional athletes and journalists to talk about how quarterbacks like their balls to feel in their hands, without a trace of self-awareness or irony?
(At least they fined Marshawn Lynch $20,000 for his "hold my dick" move in the end zone, AFTER threatening him with expulsion if he wore gold cleats. Thank God the NFL is on top of the real issues in football nowadays.)
NFC Championship Game: Seattle Seahawks Defeat Green Bay Packers 28-22
So I guess we're starting off with the good news here.
This was not the Packers-Seahawks game anyone was expecting to see. If Vegas had set the over/under on interceptions in this game at 0.5 a week before, I would have taken the under. If Vegas had set the over/under at 5.5 I would have laughed my way to the bank taking the under. Of course, Aaron Rodgers and Russell Wilson combined for six picks in the game, and you should never ever listen to me if you want to gamble. The Seahawks offense was so bad for the first 56.5 minutes of this game that their only points came off a fake field goal. Rodgers was clearly off his game, Mike McCarthy was definitely off of his (fourth and one in field goal range with AARON RODGERS as your QB and you go for three, are you for real right now, like AARON FREAKING RODGERS can't get one yard), and yet it seemed that the Packers would cruise.
True story: I bring up the 56.5 figure because with 3:25 left in the game, I looked to my friend and said "You know, it's not technically over yet; the Seahawks could score and recover the onside kick." To which he responded with a look that intimated yes, it could happen, and technically we could all win the MegaMillions lottery and live like kings. Three minutes and 25 seconds later, everyone in the room was losing it as the game went into overtime after the Seahawks scored and then recovered the onside kick. (Sadly, the lottery tickets didn't work out.)
Russell Wilson then promptly marched the Seahawks down the field, capping off the drive with a deep ball to Jermaine Kearse, who had been targeted on all four of Wilson's interceptions. Chaos erupted, Wilson broke down, some dude whose number I didn't see was riding a bike, and Brian Bostick (who infamously muffed the onside kick, giving the ball back to Seattle) adopted the thousand-yard stare of a war veteran who's seen the suffering firsthand and now can't stop seeing it, no matter how hard he tries. It was fifty-plus minutes of football at its worst, followed by five of football at its absolute zenith.
So of course it gets followed by HASHTAG DEFLATE GATE. (I'm still lost on scandal nomenclature.)
AFC Championship: New England Bicycle Pumps Patriots Defeat Indianapolis Colts 45-7
Like I said above, I did not watch this game. The sight of Tom Brady (a Michigan alum) succeeding makes me break out in hives. I just resigned myself to checking the final score and reconciling myself with the fact that Brady has a chance to cement himself as one of the best in history and oh God I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
So you can imagine my surprise when this whole "underinflated balls" thing started going around. We're going to talk about that a bit, because A) it's fun to talk about NFL scandals, and B) mentally I'm like 13 years old, tops.
The #deflateGATE controversy apparently started when Colts LB D'Qwell Jackson intercepted a Tom Brady pass, and mentioned to an equipment manager on the sideline that the ball felt wrong. The NFL decided to investigate, and the story was broken on Twitter, because that's how news works now. Of course, since the Patriots are such a well-loved team with no such history of shady behavior, nobody really gave that much thought to the news (and subsequent findings that 11 of 12 balls were sunstantially underinflated).
Since Spygate was a thing, and since Bill Belichick exudes all of the likability of that weird two-thumbed hooded alien dude from The Avengers, the latest "-Gate" scandal was born. While it could be argued that there is no one on the planet who feels sympathy for Roger Goodell anymore (and I will argue that), this scandal has put the NFL in a pretty terrible spot two weeks before its showcase event. There are a handful of possible outcomes here, and every single one of them is a loss.
Scenario 1: the NFL fines some random equipment manager on the Patriots $25,ooo and does nothing else
This is highly unlikely, as Internet rumblings have it that owners are not happy about this at all. That said, the NFL can't just fine a team $25K for cheating in the AFC Championship. That's not even a slap on the wrist. Public opinion says the NFL was way too lenient. Three months later, Roger Goodell tries to have Bill Belichick executed for tarnishing the league's integrity. However, he forgets to burn the body and Belichick comes back stronger than before. Belichick always comes back.
Scenario 2: the NFL takes draft picks away from the Patriots
Belichick is infuriated. He was going to trade those draft picks for 20 hoodies and a lifetime supply of Dunkin' Donuts coffee (and before you ask, of course he takes it black; the only thing he adds to his coffee is the tears of the innocent).
Scenario 3: the NFL declares the AFC championship forfeit and sends the Colts to the Super Bowl instead
This will never, ever happen. I'm only bringing it up because a crazy homeless man suggested it to me. I would have ignored everything he said, but then he told me that Bill Belichick could see into his dreams at night and feasts slowly on his fear. This is widely acknowledged as accurate.
So basically, the NFL will underpunish the Patriots and people will get mad about it. What remains to be seen is how the NFL will go about botching this latest investigation and its subsequent hilarious overreaction. Well, that and how many more times they'll be talking about the relative fullness of balls on ESPN.
Don't look at me like that. I warned you I would react to this like a 13-year-old.
