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Welcome back to the Daily Sports Recap, where we have returned triumphantly from the holiday break in order to poke holes in your favorite sports stories.  Merry Christmas.

 

Sports News From The Holidays

Jim Harbaugh Leaves San Francisco 49ers, Expected To Take Michigan Job

I had a whole bit about every team with a coaching opening and how they'd never get Harbaugh, but then this happened and now it's kind of irrelevant.

According to Michigan fans, after Harbaugh's signing, their recruiting class (96th in the nation, 6 committed players) filled up with nothing but 5-star recruits abandoning other programs, giving them the undisputed best class in history.  The College Football Playoff committee decided unanimously to award every championship to Michigan so long as Harbaugh is coaching there, which will be until 2115, when the immortal Harbaugh is taken to heaven by Bo Schembechler himself.  In fact, the trophy was remade so that it was nothing more than a bronze likeness of Harbaugh.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that Michigan fans are excited about this, and it's adorable.

 

Johnny Manziel Throws Party, Gets Josh Gordon Suspended

What's weird is that Gordon wasn't even at the party, the Browns just suspended Gordon reflexively to keep Roger Goodell from doing it.

In all honesty, though, Gordon did attend Manziel's party on Friday night and was suspended for breaking team rules.  Manziel was also fined for being late for treatment on his injured right hamstring.  Browns owner Jimmy Haslam called out certain unnamed players after the Browns' loss to the Ravens on Sunday, saying that "a player who can't show up for meetings, can't make practice, can't make weight-lifting, disrespects himself...they disrespect the team, the coaches, the staff, the fans."  No word has reached us as to Haslam's opinion on people who commit large-scale fraud through their companies.

 

LeBron Declares Cavaliers "Not That Good" After Getting Blown Out By Pistons

The Cavaliers put on what was certainly one of their worst performances of the season, losing to the Detroit Pistons (holders of the league's fourth-worst record, although that is including the clearly-not-even-remotely-trying-anymore Sixers) 103-80.  The Cavaliers committed 18 turnovers in the loss, with the King himself committing seven.  The deficit was so bad that in the third quarter, Cleveland fans started booing the Cavaliers when they came off the court for a time-out.

Just to recap, for Christmas, Cleveland fans got: a Browns party that resulted in multiple fines and suspensions, a 10-point loss to Miami on Christmas Day, a 23-point blowout against Detroit on Sunday, and started booing their prodigal sports legend.  All in all, it was what Cleveland natives called "a pretty good Christmas, actually."

 

Penn State Wins First Bowl Game After Removal of Sanctions

The Penn State Nittany Lions beat the Boston College Eagles 31-30 in the Pinstripe Bowl, just 2 years after the program was handed down crippling sanctions and scholarship reductions for that thing everyone remembers and we don't need to talk about.  (If you don't remember: welcome to Earth, strange being from beyond the stars!)  Penn State, of course, was supposed to be under a four-year bowl ban when the NCAA declared that they'd been well-behaved enough that the ban and scholarship limits could be lifted.

There is no truth to the rumor that literally all of the USC fans were rooting for Boston College in this one, because every ruling the NCAA releases is pretty much just proof that the NCAA really, really hated USC being really, really good.  For those who don't remember, USC was hit with a three-year bowl ban and lost 30 scholarships over three years (you only get 25 per year, which meant USC lost 40% of its scholarships) because Reggie Bush got paid by a third party.  The NCAA pretty much never makes sense.

 

I hope everyone had a very happy [insert denominationally appropriate winter solstice celebration here]!