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Today's edition of the Daily Sports Recap comes to you without a title, because I seriously overestimated my creative ability when I agreed to write a daily column. If anyone has title ideas, leave them in the comment section. Please. Help me.
Sports News From Yesterday (12/10)
Jon Lester Signs with the Cubs for 6 Years, $155 Million Dollars
The Cubs have been aggressively making moves this offseason, signing former Rays manager Joe Maddon and Diamondbacks catcher Miguel Montero. Apparently Theo Epstein is advancing the timetable on his "become Baseball Jesus, Savior of Cursed Franchises" plan. Rumor is that next he'll sign a billy goat and have it play third base.
With the signing of Lester, the Cubs' odds of winning the World Series have skyrocketed to 12-1. Which means that one of two things will happen: either the Cubs will win it all and Theo Epstein will achieve baseball apotheosis as a fiery chariot descends from heaven and God makes him the GM of Heaven's baseball team, or the Cubs will crash and burn in precisely the most agonizing way possible. There's really no middle ground with these kinds of things.
Dodgers Acquire SS Jimmy Rollins From Phillies
Shortly after letting Hanley Ramirez leave for Boston, the Dodgers acquired veteran shortstop Rollins as a replacement. Of course, in this context, "veteran" doesn't mean "player who's been in the league for a while," it's more of a euphemism for "been in the league so long I don't remember who played shortstop for the Phillies before him."
Agent Scott Boras Compares P Max Scherzer to Peyton Manning
Which is an apt comparison, because if you ask most casual MLB fans about Scherzer, you'll be lucky to get a handful who say "Oh yeah, he's the guy behind Verlander in Detroit," and most people know Peyton Manning as "that guy who started behind Jim Harbaugh for a while."
Oregon State Hires Gary Andersen From Wisconsin
In what appears to be an effort by the Beavers to get revenge on Nebraska for stealing their coach, Oregon State decided to out-WTF Nebraska by hiring the Badgers' head man out of nowhere, stunning the college football world. We've yet to hear anything about what caused Andersen to leave Madison for Corvallis, but numerous rumors have already hit the Internet: interference from athletic director and Wisconsin legend Barry Alvarez, underpaid assistants, the weather, and the moon people of Glorbnax-5 moving into the endgame of their galactic domination plan. We'll have more on this as the story develops, provided the Glorb overlord hasn't consigned us all to the plutonium mines by then.
Goodell's Testimony In Ray Rice Hearing "Inconsistent"
As it turns out, the NFL may have known exactly what happened in that elevator in that Atlantic City casino, and Roger Goodell may have been wrong in implying that inconsistencies in Rice's punishment were the result of Rice's obfuscation of the truth. It turns out it just might have been Goodell overreacting to public backlash and using his power as commissioner to somehow, against all odds, make the guy knocking his wife out on a security cam look like the victim. Which, when you think about it, is quite an accomplishment.
Then again, we won't know for sure until we see a tape of Goodell making his decision, which we've unfortunately been denied by the NFL.
Brooklyn Nets Reportedly Shopping Deron Williams, Joe Johnson, Brook Lopez...
GM Billy King has reportedly been in contact with multiple executives as he tries to find a trade suitor. Unfortunately for him though, most of his conversations probably go something like this:
King: "Can we interest you in trading for Joe Johnson?"
Rival GM: "Well, let's see if we have the cap space for him. How much is he making?"
King: "Well, he'll be making $23.2 million this season, but next season that number goes up to $24.9 - hello?"
Rival GM: *hangs up phone like it was made of spiders*
