RADIO
Happy holidays to all of our readers! And that greeting is not only extended from us here, but also from all the players in the NFL, who caught the holiday spirit just in time this year.
And what better way to celebrate than to look at some of the best gifts the NFL gave to us this week?
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What Just Happened?
The Jacksonville Jaguars gave the Houston Texans a much more effective (and cheaper) quarterback. The Texans thanked them by giving them a new coach.
It's a Christmas double-whammy! The Jaguars raced out to an early lead on the Texans, picking off $72 million man Brock Osweiler twice in two attempts. (As an aside, I know inflation means that currency doesn't go as far as it did back in the day, but you'd think that seventy-two million dollars could buy at least, like, three cybernetic quarterbacks even if they aren't played by Lee Majors.) The Texans responded by putting former fourth-round draft pick Tom Savage into the game, and Savage led the Texans back from a 20-8 deficit. By the way, Savage is only guaranteed $300,584 over the terms of his contract, while Osweiler is guaranteed $37 million. By my calculations, that means that the Texans spent enough money to buy 100 quarterbacks and yet got like -1/2 of one. Poor Houston.
However wretched their QB situation was, the Texans got right back into the giving spirit by handing the Jaguars their 12th loss of the season, prompting Jacksonville to fire head coach Gus Bradley on the tarmac. This move is widely known as "being Kiffin'd." (Good luck to the Florida Atlantic Owls, by the way!)
The curse of Ryan Fitzpatrick kept on giving itself.
During the course of the Dolphins' 34-13 victory over the Jets, Ndamukong Suh and Cameron Wake hit Bryce Petty right in the soul. Ordinarily, this would just be considered a hard hit, an inevitability in such a rough game. Of course, we know better - the annihilation of Petty's immortal spirit was preordained. As any quarterback in the NFL should know, once taking the starting job from Fitzpatrick, the dark forces of beard voodoo are summoned and that his days are numbered. Fitzpatrick responded to his recent re-promotion at the hands of black magic by going 5/10 for 35 yards and an INT, thus telling a cautionary tale on the nature of follicular sorcery. It's a fickle mistress.
Andy Reid literally gave away a victory, for no reason!
This is more just an aside about the pointlessness of icing a kicker, especially in the middle of a "polar vortex" event (I mean, come on, everyone is being iced if it's 0 degrees before wind chill). Titans K Ryan Succop lined up for a game winning field goal with TEN down 17-16, and missed the first attempt. Not to worry, however! Kansas City head coach Andy Reid, using his keen understanding of strategy and statistics, called timeout before the kick, giving Succop a second chance...which he promptly nailed. By the way, not only is icing the kicker one of the least watchable strategic football moves there is, kickers don't actually miss more often after being iced. Andy Reid used a timeout for no good reason, and it cost the Chiefs a one-game lead in the AFC West after the Raiders beat the Chargers in San Diego. There's a lesson in there, somewhere. Something about the dangers of letting a live walrus run your team.
Ezekiel Elliot gave the best gift of all - Ezekiel Elliott.
During the course of the Cowboys' course-correcting 26-20 victory over the Buccaneers, Ezekiel Elliott did something most of us have gotten very accustomed to: he scored a touchdown. Fortunately for us, there was an oversized Salvation Army kettle behind the endzone in AT&T Stadium and Elliott decided to celebrate by jumping in, which is fitting considering there is no greater prize than receiving various crop-top and touchdown related blessings.
Of course Zeke was penalized 15 yards for unsportsmanlike conduct because the NFL is committed to sucking the fun out of everything. I mean, at least when Larry Nance Jr dunked Brook Lopez out of existence and ran back laughing the laugh of a conqueror, the NBA was like "that is his legal right - he just dunked on Brook so hard that Robin Lopez started fading from existence." In the NFL if anyone smiled at someone like Nance did there, they'd be sent to a secret room in the basement of the league offices for social reprogramming. (Totally unrelated - is it obvious that I've watched that dunk 20 times a day for the past 4 days?)
There is some good that came out of the unsportsmanlike conduct penalty, though. Elliott pledged to match any fine levied against him by the NFL with a charitable donation to the Salvation Army. Also, Jerry Jones said some crazy old oil man thing about Zeke, which is a marked improvement over the many, many instances of him calling Dak Prescott "daddy."
That's it for this week. Have a happy holiday season, everyone.
