Morning Recap: It's Pretty Warm Under This Blanket, Actually

December 4, 2014

Check out Adam Sabol's morning recap, analyzing the stories you need to know!

Welcome back to my Morning Recap, breaking down yesterday's sports news and events. Since I in fact did not come up with something better by the end of Wednesday, this column is being written from underneath my shame blanket (which is way more comfy than it should be.)  Let's get into it!

Sports News From Yesterday (12/3)

Jameis Winston Denies Rape Allegations

Nope.  Not touching it.  Nothing happened in the hearing today, and we're moving on.

76ers Win their First Game, Aren't the Worst Team Ever

The Philadelphia 76ers beat the Minnesota Timberwolves by a score of 85-77 tonight, improving their record to 1-17.  Congratulations to the 76ers players, who repeatedly insist that they are playing their hardest and are in no way deliberately tanking a season for a high lottery pick.  This of course begs the question, "You sure you want to admit to that?  You've got a pretty easy out, here..."

Raiders Announce Increase in Law Enforcement Personnel for Sunday's Game against 49ers

The only thing shocking about this announcement is that it took until 2014 for the cops to increase their presence at Raiders games.

Kyrie Irving Gets His Own Shoe From Nike

While we're not saying that wearing this sneaker will give you the ability to carry your rec team to a .333 win percentage, we're also not not saying that.

We also can't claim that this sneaker will help you bring back your rec league's hero, who's been playing at the Y across town for the last couple of years.

Dubious marketing claims aside, this shoe makes a perfect complement to any outfit you wear when your roommate and his new girlfriend invite you along on their date.

Everyone I know from Cleveland, those are for you.

Johnny Manziel Not Starting This Week

Sorry, #money crowd, Johnny Football sits another week.  If I may address both sides of the Manziel debate:

• Listen, Manziel fans, the Browns are (inexplicably) still in contention for the AFC North or a wild-card spot.  The stretch run probably isn't the time to break in a rookie QB who was one lucky referee review away from a brutal scoop-and-score, not even if the QB provided the only touchdown in an anemic showing against Buffalo.  If the Browns were trending towards yet another top draft pick (hey again, Cleveland), then you could go for the damn-the-torpedoes, "let's see what we've got" approach, but Hoyer's gotten the team into the thick of the race.
• Listen, Hoyer fans, the Browns offense has been brutal recently.  Hoyer has thrown one touchdown and six interceptions in the past three games.  If the Browns want to stay in contention, that's an unacceptable statline, plain and simple.  Manziel unquestionably provided a spark off the bench, and Cleveland will need that to stay in contention in the resurgent AFC North.  We know what Hoyer provides, and it's not playoff-caliber play.

Now that I've cleaned that all up, I'm sure this Internet debate will progress in only the most civil, rational manner.  You may continue.

Jerry Kill Wins Big Ten Coach of the Year

First of all, congratulations to Coach Kill, who's doing a fantastic job building Minnesota's program into a Big Ten contender.

Second of all, what the hell does an OSU coach have to do to win this award Brady Hoke has one and I was making fun of his Fred Flintstone ass yesterday for being terrible at coaching seriously the last time we won one of these Led Zeppelin hadn't finished releasing singles yet Urban Meyer hasn't lost a regular season conference game and yet somehow there have been three Big Ten coaches better than him I'm so pissed it's not even-

We'd like to apologize for Adam's behavior and wish him the best as he recovers from his rage-induced brain aneurysm.

Until tomorrow, everyone!