You've read about all the sleepers, waiver wire pickups and starter suggestions based on matchups. Now let me burst some bubbles and tell you who I think is going to bust big time in Week 9.

This isn't to troll or spread hate - that's what those political sites are for. Think of this as a public service for fanboys and truth deniers who insist that everything is going to be alright, when it's clearly not. If you don't believe me, just ask the general public on Twitter. They know everything.

Warning: while the picks made in this article are completely serious, you may find sarcastic humor laced throughout. If you don't have any sense of humor whatsoever, turn back now before you get all worked up.

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• Dynasty fantasy football rankings

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Week 8 Recap

Another Halloween weekend come and gone and the hangover remains. The candy hangover I mean. You can't get rid of that stuff when your kids bring home pillowcases full of the stuff. Let's see who tricked fantasy owners last week as predicted on our patented candy scale of goodness:

MOAR!!!

Jordan Howard (RB, CHI) 153 YDS, 1 TD

Hey, it's free candy...

Kelvin Benjamin (WR, CAR) 2 REC, 73 YDS
Jeremy Maclin (WR, KC) 3 REC, 43 YDS, 1 TD
Antonio Gates (TE, SD) 4 REC, 33 YDS, 1 TD

Old Lady Johnson's trying to poison us!

Matthew Stafford (QB, DET) - 240 YDS, 1 TD
Jameis Winston (QB, TB) 180 YDS, 2 TD
Mark Ingram (RB, NO) - 5 YDS, 1 BENCHING
LeSean McCoy (RB, BUF) DNP
Latavius Murray (RB, OAK) 48 YDS
Jack Doyle (TE, IND) 2 REC, 36 YDS

A couple of players pulled out touchdowns in otherwise disappointing performances, but overall I'm content with the Circus Peanut-level of my bust picks. Let the second half of the season commence!

Top 10 Busts for Week 9

Cam Newton (QB, CAR) - Lately, Newton has been fired up about the "cheap shots" he takes, leaving some to question whether Newton is focused on himself more than winning. This isn't the place for that debate, but it can be said that Newton may have a tough time proving his doubters wrong this week. The Rams defense has been stout at home against the pass, allowing an average of 244 YPG through the air and surrendering just two passing TD. Newton isn't taking goal-line plunges as frequently with Jonathan Stewart doing the honors instead. You can keep Newton inserted for standard league lineups as a low-end QB1, but fade him in daily this week. Or else.

Trevor Siemian (QB, DEN) - I know you're thinking that a guy who has no business starting in fantasy leagues can't be considered a bust. The strategy of streaming quarterbacks off the waiver wire is picking up steam, however, so there are a few fantasy players who may take a chance on him based on matchup alone. Let me take this moment to repeat what I've said before in case you are tempted to use Siemian in any way - the Raiders pass defense isn't that bad. Sure, they're in the bottom 10 on the season, but since Week 2 they've only allowed one 300-yard passer (Philip Rivers). Khalil Mack has four sacks in the last three games and is starting to resemble his Pro Bowl form of last season. There are better value plays at QB this week than Siemian. Just not in Houston.

Frank Gore (RB, IND) - After being decimated by Ezekiel Elliott in Week 6, Green Bay's run defense has returned to its dominant form. They limited Devonta Freeman to 35 yards last week after holding Jordan Howard to 22 yards the week before. The Colts are not known for putting up big rushing yards as it is, so expect an extremely disappointing week for the lone remaining offensive player from the greatest college football team of all time - the 2001 Miami Hurricanes (that's pure fact).

Jay Ajayi (RB, MIA) - As a longtime disgruntled Dolfan, it's easy to pick against my own team because it keeps expectations low. Ajayi has been more than just a pleasant surprise, he's been a revelation. Expecting him to rip off another huge game is just too much to ask. Realistically, this matchup will be far tougher than Ajayi has faced in his last two games. The Jets are fifth in rushing defense, having allowed 548 yards on the ground over eight games. I'll reluctantly admit there's a chance he is good the rest of the season, but I'm still tempering expectations for Week 9. If I'm wrong, I'll sprint to the front of the bandwagon.

Jordy Nelson (WR, GB) - His performance in Week 8 (94 yards and a TD) gave his fantasy owners a reason to breathe a sigh of relief after two lackluster games. It may not last long, however, as Nelson could have a tough day being shadowed by Vontae Davis. Oddly enough, even though the Colts rank near the bottom is passing yards allowed, they also allow the seventh-fewest fantasy PPG to WR. Nelson has remained a fantasy asset due to his six touchdowns scored, but only five TDs have been scored by receivers all season against the Colts. There's always a chance, but Nelson is best faded in daily leagues.

Golden Tate (WR, DET) - The Golden Child has stepped up his game as of late, hauling in 21 catches for 300 yards in the last three games. The Lions have to travel to Minnesota this weekend, however, where the Vikings have been unbeatable. Xavier Rhodes and a suddenly revived Terrence Newman could give the whole Detroit receiving corps fits, so expect Tate's resurgence to hit a temporary bump in the road. Not a hit, a bump.

Jordan Matthews (WR, PHI) - Matthews remains the top receiver in Philly, which isn't necessarily a good thing. He's been solid all year, mostly coming out of the slot. Last week Matthews saw season highs with 11 catches on 14 targets and scored his third touchdown of the year. The Giants have Dominique-Rodgers Cromartie waiting for him though, in a divisional game that could prove low-scoring. Torrey Smith sure would have looked good in an Eagles jersey, wouldn't he?

Torrey Smith (WR, SF) - He's still in San Fran, unfortunately, and that alone will keep him as a bust for the rest of 2016. Some will jump on this matchup since the Saints are notoriously bad at defending the pass. Well, don't look now but the Saints are down to 16th in fantasy points allowed to WR, giving up just five TD on the year. Delvin Breaux is back and should help an improving secondary. Good news for 49ers fans - you might beat Cleveland at something!

Travis Kelce (TE, KC) - Kelce has been a tease for fantasy owners. Some weeks he looks like he is earning his moniker of "mini-Gronk," some weeks he disappears. While Jacksonville's offense seems to have disappeared completely in the offseason, their defense against the tight end has actually been good. There should be little need for the Chiefs to go aerial with Alex Smith on the shelf and an opposing offense that poses little challenge. Kelce will get his share of targets, but won't go deep in this one. The same can't be said for his other TV appearances. (When does Travis Kelce have time to do a reality dating show and why didn't I know about this sooner?)

Jimmy Graham (TE, SEA) - He already fulfilled bust status last weekend in what was supposed to be a happy homecoming in New Orleans. Instead, he fell flat with three catches for 34 yards. A bounce back game might be in order, but it won't happen this week. Buffalo has only given up one TD to a tight end. Moreover, Seattle's offense just isn't in sync and it's clear Russell Wilson isn't 100%. They could try mixing things up on offense, but that isn't Pete Carroll's style.