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By Keith Allison (Flickr) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia CommonsIt's Wednesday, which means that statistically speaking, everyone reading this article has heard the phrase "hump day" at least twice, and heard someone giggle about it like a freakin' 12-year-old at least three times, which means we should all be good and cheerful by the time we get into the article, eh?

 

Alex Rodriguez Returns To Yankees; Will Be Permanent DH

Because you typically relegate players to the designated hitter spot after they've finished being forcibly detoxed off the cocktail of PEDs that's sustained them for the better part of a decade.

I also envision Alex Rodriguez going clean as a process 100% similar to Leo DiCaprio's scene in The Basketball Diaries, only instead of losing 20 pounds, A-Rod comes out of the room at 5'6'', 100 lbs. soaking wet.

 

Florida Panthers Defeat Washington Capitals In 20-Round Shootout

The shootout between the Panthers and Capitals smashed the NHL record for longest shootout, which previously stood at 15.  Incidentally, the Capitals lost that shootout to the New York Rangers.  The Panthers outscored the Capitals 6-5 in the shootout, on the 40th shot of the tiebreaker.

All 20 of the Panthers fans were elated upon leaving the rink.

 

Golden State Win Streak Snapped At 16

A 105-98 loss at the hands of the Memphis Grizzlies ended the Warriors winning streak, so pack it in, I guess.  They probably won't even make it out of the playoffs with the glaring weaknesses the Grizzlies exposed, like the Warriors tendency to lose when they score fewer points than their opponent.

In all seriousness, Golden State's record sits at 21-3, which puts them roughly on pace to match the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls record of 72-10.  I don't even have a joke for that, that's just terrifyingly good basketball.

 

Anthony Davis Returns Against Jazz, Scores 31

Davis, who is recovering from a chest contusion, wore a protective vest against Utah, but it seemed to have no impact on the Pelicans superstar, as he added nine rebounds and three blocks to his already impressive point total.  Anyone hoping that the chest injury would somehow slow Davis's metamorphosis from mere mortal to basketball-playing superhuman is both wrong and also kind of a jerk.  What isn't fun about seeing Anthony Davis turn grown-ass men into playthings for his own amusement?

 

Colorado State University Pueblo Playing Minnesota State For Division II Football Title

This wouldn't really move the needle except for the fact that CSU-Pueblo's mascot is the Thunderwolves, and that should tell you all you need to know about the matchup and whom you need to root for.  Seriously, a team nicknamed the Thunderwolves should win any and every championship in American sports based on that name alone.  Why aren't they D-1?