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In case you were too busy doing things that fun people do this weekend, like socializing or jetskiing or something, don't worry. I've been here following all the sports stories that developed this weekend instead of tearing around on a Sea-Doo. All for you guys. You're welcome.
Sports News from The Weekend (12/12 - 12/14)
Marcus Mariota Wins Heisman In Landslide Victory
In a twist ending that absolutely nobody saw coming, Marcus Mariota became the first Heisman trophy winner in the University of Oregon's history on Saturday. "Twist ending" is a phrase which here means "outcome that was predetermined by Week 8 of the college football season."
Mariota more than doubled Wisconsin RB Melvin Gordon's score, though Gordon himself barely finished ahead of Alabama WR Amari Cooper. This was evidently a bad season in which to break records, since those records earned the runners-up something approximately between "jack" and "squat."
To put into perspective the landslide Mariota won by, here are some stats:
- 788 of 894 first-place votes
- 90.9% of possible points earned
- 10 voters who didn't have Mariota on the ballot
Wait, what? Who didn't even have Mariota on the ballot? Do we need to be worried about an invasion from the opposite dimension in which Mariota is a third-stringer infamous for his hard-partying ways, since their scout force is clearly already here?
Adrian Peterson Loses Appeal of Indefinite Suspension
If you're calibrating your Morality Index, that means that child endangerment is only slightly worse than being Roger Goodell. That sound you heard is Goodell breathing the world's loudest sigh of relief.
Peterson will be suspended for the remainder of the season, and the NFL will not determine whether he may play in 2015 until the end of April.
Kobe Bryant Passes Michael Jordan For Third Place On All-Time Scoring List
Or as your dad likes to put it, Kobe Bryant Wins Award For Never Passing, Ever.
With his two free throws in the second quarter of the Lakers' game against Minnesota, Bryant now trails only Karl Malone and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on the NBA's all-time scoring list. He is, however, the only player in that company with 6,000 assists, Dad.
Browns Shut Out In Johnny Football's Debut
Johnny Manziel was treated to a rough welcome into the NFL against Cincinnati, as the Bengals picked off the former Heisman Trophy winner twice en route to a 30-0 shutout win in Cleveland on Sunday. Predictably, every Cincinnati Bengal defender who got within five yards of Manziel at any point during the game flashed Manziel's infamous money sign, because NFL celebrations are noted for their creativity and wit.
Golden State Warriors Win 16th Straight Game
Golden State beat the New Orleans Pelicans 128-122 in overtime on Sunday night to claim their 16th straight victory and bring their record to 21-2 on the season.
What we've learned is that when you take a player that played under Phil Jackson and coached under Gregg Popovich, you actually do create a coach who is an unholy fusion of their best aspects put together. It's kinda like The Fly, but with less Jeff Goldblum.
White Sox Sign OF Melky Cabrera
An ever-escalating arms race is brewing in Chicago, which I now realize is a terrible way to phrase that because 90% of people will expect that sentence to end in at least three murders.
The Cubs and the White Sox are both spending big in order to make deep runs into October in the coming season. The Cubs of course added ace Jon Lester to their rotation, while the White Sox complemented their additions of pitcher Jeff Samardzija and closer David Robertson by signing Melky Cabrera. Both teams will now most likely be preseason favorites in their respective divisions, which means that there's no way the White Sox don't beat the Cubs in the World Series, because that is undoubtedly the most agonizingly cursed way to lose a championship. I'm sure I'm making friends all over Chicago right now.
See you tomorrow!
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