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Inaugural College Football Playoff To Be Played Tomorrow

It's a big freaking deal, guys.  No more BCS, no more Coaches' Poll bullshit (shoutout to Cal and Oklahoma State fans), just a two-round playoff to decide who the best team in college football really is.

Four teams will play in two iconic bowls: the Sugar Bowl presented by Allstate sponsored by Nokia bankrolled by Halliburton will play host to Ohio State and Alabama as these two blue-bloods duke it out in the 1-4 match on what is obviously a neutral site (New Orleans is 4 hours away from Tuscaloosa by car and 4 hours away from Columbus by plane*, it's the same travel time!).  The Rose Bowl presented by Northwestern Mutual brought to you by Vizio funded by Northrop Grumman will feature the last two Heisman Trophy winners in Jameis Winston and Marcus Mariota as Florida State and Oregon play the 2-3 match.  Oregon will most likely enjoy home-field advantage as they are much closer to Pasadena than Florida State is and because rooting for Florida State nowadays is like being this guy from Blazing Saddles.

*This probably isn't true, but I kinda needed it to be for that joke.  You're in my world now, get used to it.


Kobe Notches Triple-Double, Lakers Win Against Nuggets

The best part about Kobe Bryant being on your team is that Kobe Bryant will straight murder someone to win a game.  The worst part about Kobe Bryant being on your team is that he will straight murder someone to win a game, but your team is really pretty bad and only keeps it's first-round draft pick if that draft pick is in the top 5.  Come on Kobe, we're tied with Charlotte right now for no. 5, we need you to tone it down a bit.  Just a little.


The NBA would like to take this opportunity to emphatically deny that tanking is a problem in its league.


Ndamukong Suh Suspension Overturned, Will Instead Pay $70,000 Fine

The Lions' franchise defensive tackle was suspended after Sunday's loss to the Green Bay Packers when he stepped on quarterback Aaron Rodgers' leg twice after the end of a play.  After Suh appealed the suspension, he was reinstated for Detroit's wild-card playoff matchup against the Cowboys.

Hi there NFL, can I talk to you for a minute?  Just, like, man-to-shield?  Listen, NFL, every single person who watches your league thinks that your system of punishment is at best outmoded, with priorities that seem like they're straight out of the 1950s (sometimes a man just needs to keep his woman in line, but God help him if he's seen smoking that...reefer!) and you're going to counter with "well, we could suspend him for attempting to injure another player, but the Lions really need him?"  It kind of feels like you're not even trying anymore, NFL.  It's almost not fun when you're just softballing them in there; at least throw a fastball every once in a while.  Make me work for it.


Nick Saban Denies Interest In Return To National Football League

During the ongoing lead-up to his team's Sugar Bowl game against Ohio State, Saban said that the NFL "wasn't for him," and that certain decisions help you to "sometimes learn a lot about yourself."

For instance, Nick Saban learned that he really hated losing to everyone else in the AFC East. ZING


To everyone who reads this column (thanks Mom!) have a safe and happy New Year.  We look forward to seeing you again in 2015.