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Oh, FIFA. What are we going to do with you? I mean, anyone with a moderate understanding of temperature could tell you that playing soccer in the middle of July in the bloody desert is probably a bad idea. Does FIFA not have anyone well versed in temperatures? Did they get knocked off-kilter when someone said "temperatures can reach 135 degrees Fahrenheit?" I mean, the conversion is just 5/9(x) + 32, guys. You can buy a graphing calculator. Especially now that you're making a shitload of oil money from a country accused of horrible human rights violations taking the opportunity to bring the World Cup to new and exciting places. That being said...
FIFA Announces 2022 World Cup To Be Played In November-December
Because of the scorching, oppressive heat, you see. I mean, they could have held the World Cup in a country that wasn't totally inhospitable during the traditional World Cup schedule, but those countries aren't filthy stinking rich off of oil new and exciting ventures.
I'm sorry, I should stop insinuating that FIFA was paid off to award the World Cup to a country that couldn't even host the event during the time when it is traditionally played. FIFA was investigated for corruption and cleared of all wrongdoing by FIFA, so they clearly can't be doing anything wrong.
Jesus, seriously? Not even the NFL could get away with that. Speaking of...
Deflategate Still A Royal Clusterf- Uh, Catastrophe
Between announcements that a Patriots staffer tried to hand a referee an impermissible special-teams football and more reports that say the staffer was given the ball by an NFL employee, the NFL's investigation is running as smoothly as could be expected. That is to say, it's a total nightmare and the NFL's PR firm is going to have to put in extra hours because it looks like either: The NFL is so incompetent they handed the Patriots an unfair advantage or the NFL is so incompetent it allowed its reigning champion to cheat in the playoffs and get away with it (because yeah, $25K and a third-rounder or Super Bowl win, I WONDER). Either way, pop your popcorn and buckle up, because the NFL's 2015 is shaping up to be even more catastrophic than their 2014. And people ask why I prefer college football.
Alex Rodriguez Writes Apology To Yankees Fans
The disgraced former superstar wrote a handwritten letter to the Yankees organization and its fans, apologizing for disgracing the team and the game of baseball by habitually abusing performance enhancing drugs during his tenure in the Bronx.
The 39-year-old is set to make $22 million this season to either be the designated hitter or flounder hilariously at third base. He will not refund any of this money because let's be real: he's sorry, but he's not $22 million sorry. I think it goes without saying that my sympathy goes out to the Yankees, who are saddled with both this massive contract and the disgrace- AHAHAHA oh my God I almost managed that with a straight face this is gonna be great.
Jay Gruden Says Robert Griffin III Will Start In 2015
The Racists Redskins' head coach said that the 'Skins will go into 2015 with Griffin at the reins. It is unclear as to whether or not Robert Griffin's lower body will be good to go as well, but Gruden remains optimistic.
