NFL Appraisers Find Value Of Super Bowl Championship To Be $1 Million

FOXBORO, MA

In a stunning turn of recent events, NFL disciplinary appraisers found that the value of a Super Bowl championship was only around one million dollars (plus or minus some draft picks), and fined the New England Patriots accordingly for their involvement in the Deflategate scandal.

The scandal began when Colts linebacker D'Qwell Jackson intercepted an errant pass by Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and noticed that the footballs the Patriots were playing with in the AFC Championship Game felt under-inflated compared to those the Colts were using.  This became a concern because of the fact that under-inflated footballs are easier to grasp in inclement weather, and the game was being played in a 40-odd degree rainstorm. The Patriots won that game 45-7 and went on to win the Super Bowl over the Seattle Seahawks.

The punishment was handed down as a consequence of the Wells Report, an independent report commissioned by the NFL, which found that it was "more likely than not" that Brady had knowledge of the illegal footballs and suspended him four games as a result, in addition to the fines levied against the Patriots.

Fans of the NFL were rendered speechless by the revelation that the Patriots were engaging in illicit activity during their playoff run, due to the Patriots' sterling record of honesty and sportsmanship.  Patriots owner Robert Kraft was furious, saying "despite [the Patriots'] conviction that there was no tampering with footballs," the Patriots' punishment "far exceeded any reasonable expectation."  It is not known whether or not he said "because I told Goodell exactly how he was to punish us last week when I had him over for drinks," under his breath, so I will be forced to assume he did.

Boston fans have. of course. rallied to the side of their golden boy, claiming that "circumstantial evidence isn't enough to punish Brady like this." This claim comes mere weeks after former Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez was convicted of murder in the first degree on little more than circumstantial evidence, so good news for fans of irony! And on the bright side for fans of chemistry and physics, the number of people in Boston who understand the equation "PV = nRT" has skyrocketed.

Of course, the Patriots did keep their most recent Super Bowl title despite the evidence of their perfidy coming to light, and will drop the banner at the season opener despite the million-dollar fine and loss of their first-round draft pick.  This has particularly incensed Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who has thrown away countless millions of dollars and 20 years' worth of first-rounders but still hasn't won a Super Bowl since the 1990s.

Ultimately, however, Patriots fans all over the country will undoubtedly take satisfaction from unfurling their fourth* Super Bowl banner in Foxboro come September and continue to boast about "Tawmmy Fahkin' Brady" and just how "fahkin' brilliant Brady and Belichick aaaaaaaah" for the next 10 years.  So bad news for fans of the letter R, I guess.

*Oh, there's no footnote, it's just an asterisk joke, as it's almost impossible to write a Patriots column without one anymore.