RADIO
Well, we're down to one game left to play. The Big Game. The Whole Enchilada. The Day That Should Be A Federal Holiday But Somehow Isn't. In case you were wondering why I haven't come out and just said the official name of the "Big Game" it's because there's a man in a black suit and gloves behind me, holding a piece to my head and muttering about "brand dilution."
(Seriously, though, here's something you may have never noticed: advertisers are not allowed to use the phrase "Super Bowl," because the NFL worries that will oversaturate the public with exposure. It's why if you go to your local grocery store right now, the banners all say something like "Big Game" or "Big Day." It's depressing and asinine, which as it happens is a common theme today.)
But before we get to the actual Super Wondrous Contest, we have to suffer through the week-long Super Grand Competition media circus. Which is somehow way more depressing than the actual circus, despite the actual circus's overabundance of clowns. Let's just rip this Band-Aid off nice and quick so we can get back to our lives.
NFL Threatens Marshawn Lynch With $500,000 Fine If He Doesn't Show For Media Days
Lynch then proceeded to answer every question he was asked with "I'm just here so I won't get fined." Just as a recap: the National Football League won't let your local Kroger advertise discounted Doritos with the words "Super Bowl" for fear of brand oversaturation, but it will absolutely extort its own players into answering the same depressing and asinine questions for days on end.
By the way, don't expect Lynch to get off scot-free for this one. He may have showed up, but there is no way the NFL lets him get away with revealing just how stupid media days are.
I'm sorry, the NFL guy behind me says I meant to say "disrespecting the venerable instution of American sports media, and if you pull something like that again we'll shoot the other foot."
Robert Kraft Demands Apology For "DeflateGate"
Yes, the owner of the Patriots doubled down on his team's sterling, Boy-Scout-esque reputation for integrity and fair play by saying that he would "expect and hope that the league would apologize to our entire team, and in particular Coach Belichick and Tom Brady for what they've had to endure this week," should the league fail to find evidence that proves the team's culpability in this depressing and asinine scandal.
Kraft went on to say that most of his players thought the accusations were "hogwash." Which, in all honesty, should put this to rest. If a source as unbiased and objective as a New England Patriots employee has declared this latest cheating scandal as ridiculous, there's really nothing else to be said for it, is there?
Dear God, there's still five more days of this? Can we please just skip ahead to the Super Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
HE DIDN'T LEARN HIS LESSON. LET HIS FAILURES BE YOUR GUIDE. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, DISRESPECT THE SHIELD. PRAISE BE TO OUR LORD GOODELL.
