Welcome to the second installment of my Monday morning NFL recap, the column I like to consider "speedballing for your fantasy team."  We'll bring you up with stars (Stefon Diggs! I played against him!), and bring you crashing right back down to the ground with busts (Antonio Brown! I started him!)

So make sure all your sharp objects are put away, start playing some Mötley Crüe songs, and let's take a hard look at the decisions we made to bring us to this point in our lives.

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It's Monday Morning... What Just Happened

The Stars:

• The New York Jets - who'da thunk it, huh?  The Jets, travelling to Buffalo on a Thursday night, to play a Ryan Bros. defense seemed like a recipe for disaster.  (Incidentally, Ryan Bros. is a new game I'm designing - it's like Super Smash Bros, only instead of controlling a diverse cast of beloved Nintendo characters, you control two obnoxious blowhards, one of whom is fat and the other of whom is skinny, as they perform a series of disconnected actions free of any perceivable context. Wait - I just described the Wario games. Sh*t.)  Anyway, pretty much every Jet came up big this week for any fantasy team they were on.  Matt Forté put up 100 yards and 3 TDs, Ryan Fitzpatrick put up a respectable 347 yards and 1 TD, Eric Decker found the endzone again, and Brandon Marshall caught 6 passes for 100+ yards...as I was giddily informed by the guy who has Forté in my league.  It went downhill from there, so buckle up.
• DeAngelo Williams - aka "That Guy Who's Putting Up Annoyingly Great Scores But Le'Veon Bell Will Be Back In Two Weeks And Then He'll Be Back On The Waiver Wire So Yeah Be Smug About That Seventh-Round Pick Buddy."  Admittedly, it's a bit of a mouthful.  It's a work in progress. Williams put up another big game in relief of Bell, with 138 combined yards and a touchdown.  Don't worry though - Le'Veon Bell returns from Burning Man or wherever he goes to fail drug tests in two weeks, so Williams' reign of mild inconvenience will soon be brought to a close.
• The Lions and the Titans - hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha no just kidding this one was a cesspit, forget it ever happened and move on with your life.  You know, just like every other game the Titans have played.
• Rookie wide receivers - Corey Coleman, Will Fuller and Sterling Shepard all put up big yardage this week.  Fuller and Coleman went for 104, although Coleman added two touchdowns to his score.  Shepard had eight receptions and 117 yards, prompting Odell Beckham Jr. owners to laugh nervously and start looking around in mild trepidation.  This was Fuller's second hundred-yard game on the season playing opposite DeAndre Hopkins, making Houston's WR group one of the more enticing fantasy options early in the season.  With 6 games against the Colts (who are fielding 11 injured defensive starters, which astute fans will recognize as all of the defensive starters), the Titans (see above entry), and the Jaguars (oh, we'll get to them), Fuller should see time in your lineup, especially if you've been thin at WR.  Shepard should also carve himself out a spot in your lineup, but Coleman plays for a team that's one play away from finding out who Josh McCown's backup is.  Should be exciting!
• Cam Newton to Kelvin Benjamin - remember that Forté guy from earlier?  There's nothing quite like losing and then being sent giddy text messages about how the Newton-to-Benjamin connection is blowing up.  Newton and Benjamin blew up the 49ers, but I'm still salty about it, so yeah.  Enjoy, I guess.
•  The Arizona Cardinals - Carson Palmer topped 300 yards and put up 3 touchdowns, Larry Fitzgerald scored, David Johnson put up over 140 combined yards, and Chris Johnson continued to exist in the NFL during the Cardinals' 40-7 rout of the Buccaneers.  It was a big rebound from the Cardinals after their anemic showing against the Patriots, and it established them as the class of the NFC West.  Which has suddenly become a much less prestigious position.
• Melvin Gordon - You know, I had a really nice "Gordon found a great ________, since his allergy to touchdowns has apparently been cured" crack all lined up, but it turns out the word for doctor specializing in allergies is just "allergist" and it ruined the meter of the joke.  Screw you, allergists.  Those people who steal your blood for the Red Cross are called phlebotomists, and that's the best you could manage?
• Stefon Diggs - I don't have a joke here.   He just shredded the Packers tonight.  Damn.

 
The Busts:

• Allen Robinson - remember when this guy was gonna be a top-5 receiver?  Because, you know, that was a thing we all thought was going to happen.  I guess we just conveniently forgot he plays for Jacksonville.
• Every Single Person Associated With The Rams vs. Seahawks Game - We finally got NFL football back in L.A. after more than 20 years, and THIS is the product they chose to bring it back with?  It's like finding a man dying of thirst in the desert and promising him pure, crystal-clear water to drink, but switching it out with vinegar at the last second.  Or worse, Bud Light.
• Andrew Luck - I can only assume that the Broncos' players have mithril chain vests since that was the only thing successful at stopping Luck in his first job.  Luck laid an egg, but it's the Broncos, and you can't expect much more than that.  Plus, mithril is crazy hard to find and I'm sure the NFL can't afford to kit out all their opponents with it.
• All of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers except Mike Evans - Yikes.  The Cardinals took that game away from the Buccaneers like the Bucs were fresh Publix seafood.  As always, the jokes in this column are 100% cutting-edge and relevant.
• Blaine Gabbert - I don't even know how many points Gabbert scored.  I'm just contractually obligated to include him in any and all NFL "bust lists."  Oh and the rest of the Niners too.  The Panthers burst that "maybe they're good?" bubble at mach speed.
• The Concepts Of Karma, Justice, Etc. - yeah, the Patriots are gonna be 4-0 to start, aren't they?  F*ck.

 
Seems like a good place as any to leave off. Can't think of anyone else who underperformed and lost their owners a fantasy game. Most definitely no one else worth mentioning... not a single Steelers receiver who was drafted first overall.  

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go weep bitterly into this Antonio Brown bodypillow (it twerks!). At least Carson "We're Just Purer Folk In North Dakota" Wentz coming up against the weaponized apathy Jay Cutler brings to the table could be amusing.