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Most of today's sports news comes from the wackiness that is the coaching carousel in college football.  Just a heads-up: this column will absolutely not be safe to read in the company of small children or those with heart conditions.

 

Former Nebraska Coach Bo Pelini Makes His Opinions Explicitly Clear

In a leaked transcript of the speech he gave to his players before being fired, Bo Pelini called Nebraska athletic director Shawn Eichorst a "total pussy" and other various synonyms for that word that I don't know if I'm allowed to say.  It was well known that Pelini and Eichorst did not get along, but the leaked transcript and audio are sure to ignite both sides of the Cornhusker fanbase.  Pelini went on to say that after Nebraska's victory over Iowa, the Board of Trustees and Eichorst were "pissed, which was weird."

Pelini also accused the board of forcing out legendary Nebraska coach/AD Tom Osborne, which just proves that basically every board of trustees in the country is a bunch of nebulous, shady corporate businessmen who will murder every student's happiness and indeed even their memories of happiness.

Pelini has recently accepted the head coaching position at Youngstown State University, where former Ohio State coach Jim Tressel is currently president.  Youngstown State will open its first season under Pelini against Pittsburgh.

 

Michigan Offers Jim Harbaugh Six Years, $49 Million

The contract would make Harbaugh the highest-paid coach in college football, outstripping Nick Saban by $1.2 million per year.  Harbaugh, of course, turned moribund Stanford into a perennial BCS contender, and would give that school up north instant credibility, and oh God how did this drink get into my hand?

Seriously, Mr. Harbaugh, just take the Raiders job.  They'll give you whatever you want.  Do you want to be the GM?  Done.  Do you want a salary on par with Peyton Manning's?  Done.  Do you want to eventually play in Los Angeles because the Raiders are the only NFL team that still shares its field with a baseball team?  Yeah, they'll do it.  Think about it: you'd much rather win a Super Bowl than finish in second place in the Big Ten for the next decade.

 

Jay Cutler Benched In Favor Of Jimmy Clausen

The freefalling Chicago Bears decided to bench embattled (read: turnover-prone) quarterback Jay Cutler over the last two weeks of the season.  Whether they are simply protecting their most valuable asset or preparing to move on from Cutler is as yet unknown, but Cutler has already been linked with basically every quarterback-needy franchise in the NFL.  In fact, one of my Jets fan buddies was dismayed to hear that New York could be a possible landing spot for Cutler.

Just to put that in perspective, fans of the team that's starting Geno freaking Smith don't want anything to do with Jay Cutler.  Whether this is a bad thing (in that his reputation is irreparably tarnished) or a good thing (he won't have to play quarterback for the Jets) is unknown.

 

Ron Rivera Says NFC South Champion "Worthy Of Playoffs"

Listen, Ron, if your job is being a coach in the NFL, it worries me that you would say something that so clearly indicates you do not watch anything that happens in the NFL.